I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
