He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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