Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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