does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
