hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
