Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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