i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You're a waste of cheezeits
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
