when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
