a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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