But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
hell yes lets make some ravioli
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
