As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
