Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
