my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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