note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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