i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
