why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
