It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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