Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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