grandma shit on top of the toilet
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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