I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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