textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
