I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
