On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
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