I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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