Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
