Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
