I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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