You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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