do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
