Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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