i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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