I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Randomize
