When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Sorry about my life...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
