Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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