I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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