??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i dont even know how to be here
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
