All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
