I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
