i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
