just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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