she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
