i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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