a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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