Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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