I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I am mentally ready for anal.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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