Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
