ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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