just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
