the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm sobbing to NWA
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
