GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
