i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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