The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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