Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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