The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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