It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
