Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
