Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
